Regarding modesty: PART 1 I was told that it was my chiyuv to share my story for covering my head with a scarf instead of a sheitel when I attended a recent simcha. "You must share your story with roish pina" they all cried out in amazement. And so I am. However, I wish to preface this story by telling you that my yeshua from HaShem is not a guarantee that it will be your yeshuah.
Firstly, I would like to share that I was not born to a Jewish mother (that is - as I know of now - I am researching my mother's side and after I was told that my mother's maternal side immigrated from Spain on a recent visit to my mother in the hospital I am trying to be more diligent in my research) - For sure this would be a grand story that I would share with all if I find that grandma was a Yid.
As for my past life - In my 30's I embarked on a modeling and acting career to try to fulfill the wish of being on stage or in front of a camera for extra monies. I had experience acting in summer plays and musicals during my teen years and I enjoyed performing, so my thinking was whether it be singing, acting or posing - why not get paid for what you like doing ? B'H - my modeling / acting career was short lived. HaShem had other plans for me. But suffice it to say, I know very well the other side of tznius. I knew that my hair, clothing, makeup garnered attention my way - the way of the goyim is .. "if you've got it...flaunt it!" So opposite to what a Jewish maidel and Jewish woman is.
When I married a decade ago, I donned a beautiful sheitel. I was happy at first wearing my sheitel - it was not a LONG sheitel mind you as it touched only my shoulders- but I noticed that I was getting looks from men other than my husband and this made me uncomfortable. I wanted to hide my beauty to the outside world and only be beautiful in the eyes of my husband. Time slipped by - I spoke to my husband a few times that I would like to wear a scarf instead of sheitel. He did not agree.... at first that is. More time slippes by..... my nonjewish sister, who had "yene machla" came to New York with her family. They came for the Shabbos night seuda. My other older sister, who also came on this trip made a comment, "I thought Jewish women cover their hair?"
"They do", I said, "and I am covering my hair with this wig." I lifted the wig to show her my hair underneath.
"But that doesn't make sense to cover your hair with another person's hair!," she snapped. "In fact, this wig is much prettier than your own straight hair!" Oh well, I was stumped as to what to say to her and my husband wasn't home from shul to rescue me.
Time goes by, I'm getting older...... no children. I cry, I beg the Ribbono shel olam - "please give me a ben torah!
More time slips by - I'm seeing all these beautiful babies being strolled by their mommies in Boro Park. On my daily route to work, I would walk by a certain Photo shop with a 20x14 newborn picture in the window. Ribbono shel olam - have rachmanus on me! I would cry out softely, " I'll tell you what HaShem - I will take off my sheitel and wear a scarf to have a ben torah, HaShem PLEASE!"
Time keeps on slipping into the future (sigh)......
One Shabbos we had my good friend and her husband spend a Shabbos with us and after our husbands left for shul, I turned to her. "Quick, Chana - come see - I have a scarf I want to put it on my head" "What she exclaimed?!?! Does your husband agree?"
"Umm, he is not getting back to let me know - I asked him several times, so I have to push the issue."
SIDENOTE HERE before I continue - Shalom Bayis should never be jeopardized by one party or the other - one must have full agreement of your spouse on matters - I was gambling here by switching the covering of my hair to a scarf.
If by scarf you mean a "tichel" (where you completely cover your hair with the scarf), then simply tell your husband that you want to be more modest and you feel this is the way it has to be. Your husband has to agree, he cannot and should not control you, especially when it comes to modesty. If anything he should be more happy that you want to become more modest. It's not like he doesn't get to see your real hair anyway, so why should it matter to him! It makes it seem like he almost wants to show you off, which is inappropriate.
I'm a guy, so all I can say is, if my wife wanted to become more modest, i would NEVER tell her no. Frankly, I have no right to do so eitherway.
It's his job to keep shalom bayis if he doesn't agree. Your husband does not need to agree to you wearing a tichel. Simple as that.
Who knows, maybe you being more modest will give you the merit for the children you ask for.
If your husband complains, you tell him you are here to correct your soul, he can throw a hissy fit if he wants but it's time to grow up. You are here on earth for a limited time and he has no right to tell you that you are not allowed to do what you feel you need to do to become closer to Hashem. Especially when it is in accordance to what the Torah expects from you.
Great lecture! Did you know you have people visiting your website from Venezuela, South africa, honduras, panama, philippines, malaysia, malta, serbia!!! Who would have guessed :)
The seven children were recorded singing a song two weeks ago. (You can hear it on Youtube.) What song was it? Shwecky's "Cry No More" about the terrible sufferings of the Jews ending with the coming of Mashiach. There are no coincidences!
WAKE UP, JEWS IN ISRAEL AND JEWS IN AMERICA!! THIS IS IT!! NO MORE TIME!!!!!!!
An amazing lecture on a most difficult topic, certainly worth listening to many times. Clear, very honest, with no "punches pulled" as they say. It is packed with relevant material concerning the purpose of our soul here on earth. Thank you so much!
The continuation of the Anonymous comment on modesty went awry. I'm pasting it below with a reminder to all that Anonymous comments need to have a name attached to them even a made up one. Thanks!
Part 2 on modesty: But you know how it goes, ladies, right? You have a project that needs to get done by your wonderful husband but he shleps and shleps and you finally are at your wits end and begin the project so he can finish it, right! laughing here - this works for me, not too long ago I needed a new faucet so I took the tools and tried to fix it myself - I called my husband, "um, would you please stop by the hardware store and pick up a new faucet - I really thought I could fix it myself to save the few dollars of a plumber! -
Back to the story. Our husbands come home. My husband knocks on the door and rings out "Good Shabbos....Good Shabbos" and when he looks at me, his mouth opens wide. Being that that we have guests (good time to push the issue, ehh?) I pat my mouth a couple of times as to say "sha sha sha" and placed my hand on the muzzah with a sparkle in my eyes. That silenced my husband.
We discussed this matter again during this same Shabbos - I told him I had a chesbon with HaShem that I would wear a scarf so that I could merit having the zchus of a baby and a ben torah at that. I told him that he should be bentching me because I would not have the expense of maintaining my sheitel or buying a new one every so many years AND I also reminded him what my sister had commented about covering my hair with another person's hair AND I told him that I did not want other men looking at me. And ladies, I can tell you that men do look at women - as if you didn't know this already.
Please allow me to digress slightly, I see some of my Jewish sisters that attend simchas looking so glamorous - some with long sheitels - some with short. Some with form fitting long dresses or short dresses that show every curve of their body and long slender legs wearing heels so high that I must say gives me a chuckle because I have flashbacks of my modeling days wearing these very same heels on the runway and stumbling because of them. My neshama cries out for their neshama! - NOT to denigrate or to pass judgment - but only to say - please wakeup! This is not correct! I've been there - I've walked the way of the goyim garnering the attention of men. It is not emes! Would you seriously wear the same attire to great Moshiach!?!? I think not! Please, bevakasha, dress like this in your bedroom for your husband - but don't dress like this at simchas or on the street as it garners the attention of your Jewish sister's husbands! And this is exactly what is happening and you will be held accountable for this. You have lost your clarity of emes and are deceived (a person that is deceived DOES NOT KNOW that he is deceived because after all he is deceived until someone points it out to him - agreed?!?). I pray that my strong words sting just a bisel to make you step back and look through different lens - through the lens of someone who has walked the glamorous life of parties, mixed dancing, etc. I too was deceived. We are NOT permitted to dress like the goyim! We are to walk modestly before HaShem.
Part 3 and final Back to my story again, after my talks with my husband he finally spoke to his rabbi on the issue. AND after he also heard with his very own ears what some concerned women were telling me, "why are you doing this? do you think you are on a higher midraga than us? - this is not good for you, stay in the middle road.....most gerim and bale' teshuvas climb too fast and they fall. We don't want this to happen to you."
Finally my husband agreed to let me cover with a scarf. This was such a difficult time as it almost broke our shalom bayis. Now that I got his blessing, albeit a forced one - I continued to cry out to HaShem. I turned 44, 45, 46, ....... still no baby boy. I know that in HaShem's timing everything is as should be so I continue to cry out.
Ladies, all I can say is to be a nudnik to HaShem. Until HaShem speaks to you to stop asking, be a nudnik. Boruch HaShem I am happy to tell you that HaShem did bless my husband and I with a beautiful, healthy son five years ago! 9 Who maketh the barren woman to dwell in her house as a joyful mother of children. My husband now bentches me for covering my head with a scarf - how could he not with such a gift?!
In closing, may HaShem grant you your heart desires and all our your requests and every plan of yours may He fulfill.
ToT -MAZALTOV! and may you continue to have a lot of nachat from your son. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I was not implying that your story was made up. I was talking about names. You can use a made up name - doesn't have to be your real one. :-)
thanks Devash - for the past 10 years I have been a nudnik to HaShem to make aliyah. Still here in Boro Park though. Yes, we are getting lots of nachas from our son!
What a beautiful story. I have a story too, I'll try to be brief. I'm also a convert. I also pushed the lines with tznius -not realizing really what I was doing. Not knowing that Tznius is Hashems number one mitzvah for a Jewish woman, never knowing about kedusha -really what it means. I always struggled with weight When I lost a lot and it went to my head, My clothes, became my favorite part of skinny life. I got a lot of attention from friends. Wore perfume and long earrings stopped wearing stocking -the yetzer was on my trail! When the taxi drivers started hitting on me it really startled me. Was I causing that to happen? I told my husband that a driver said I was beautiful- you can imagine his response! Thanks to Hashem, He put a woman in my life who is now my best friend, who is very tzanuah and always searching for emes. She never talked to me about it. She just influenced me then I brought it up. She translated the autistic messages and the more I read the more convinced I was that I had to change.
So it was 3 Pesachs ago that I got rid of my clothes started to wear wide long skirts and button shirts -to the top -only scarves /snoods- black stockings. I felt like a real daughter of The King. I felt so good, and so calm. That I was doing Ratzon Hashem. It was hard at first with the looks I got. Double takes, up and down stares! It was a big change and it was noticeable! Now I'm so disgusted by the clothing I see in frum neighborhoods. Its really unbelievable what passes in a chareidi neighborhood in Israel, the husbands dress like their grandfathers and the wives dress the runway models. And then there is me, a few friends and slowly others dressing like our great grandmother's did and going to shiurim where we are getting chunky to continue. If every woman knew what they would gain from dressing according to halachah (at least), they would never look back. -BE
The rabbi said in his next video that a second tragedy struck the same area.
Jewish Man Shot & Killed in Brooklyn
A 30-year-old Jewish man, from Russian decent, identified as Natik Nisimov, was shot and killed Tuesday morning, March 24th in the Midwood section of Brooklyn, according to police sources.
Now there is a third!
Frum Man R”L Killed After Falling Off Ladder In Brooklyn
I also started off marriage wearing a sheitel. My husband is Sephardi, but had been immersed in Litvish environments. I later switched to non-sheitel hair-coverings against my husband's wishes. He went to speak with a Moroccan-born Ponevitch-educated rav who traumatized him with horror stories of frum men who came to him complaining that their sheitel-wearing wives were going out dancing at night clubs motzai Shabbos. (I'm not saying sheitel-wearing wives would do this; of course most wouldn't. It's just that you can find sheitels that look like real hair so no one knows and go out dressed like a chilonit without actually uncovering your hair, which is what these women were doing.) The rav finished by saying to my husband, "And you're complaining that your wife wants to be MORE tsnius?" He went on to say that a husband should always be grateful for whatever his wife wants to increase in the area of tsniut and not to interfere.
My husband was so traumatized at the thought of his wife going out dancing with other men that it was the end of the whole sheitel vs scarf issue forever. And that's it.
I don't have any compelling miracle story that resulted (as far as I know....) like the wonderful stories written above. Covering my hair according to the more traditional Jewish way was just something I wanted to do.
Also, I noticed that in Israel, non-frum men and Arabs tend to hit on women more when they wear a sheitel. I believe they perceive a sheitel as saying that you are available for extra-marital garbage because otherwise, why would you try to look like you're NOT covering your hair?
Regarding modesty: PART 1 I was told that it was my chiyuv to share my story for covering my head with a scarf instead of a sheitel when I attended a recent simcha. "You must share your story with roish pina" they all cried out in amazement. And so I am. However, I wish to preface this story by telling you that my yeshua from HaShem is not a guarantee that it will be your yeshuah.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I would like to share that I was not born to a Jewish mother (that is - as I know of now - I am researching my mother's side and after I was told that my mother's maternal side immigrated from Spain on a recent visit to my mother in the hospital I am trying to be more diligent in my research) - For sure this would be a grand story that I would share with all if I find that grandma was a Yid.
As for my past life - In my 30's I embarked on a modeling and acting career to try to fulfill the wish of being on stage or in front of a camera for extra monies. I had experience acting in summer plays and musicals during my teen years and I enjoyed performing, so my thinking was whether it be singing, acting or posing - why not get paid for what you like doing ? B'H - my modeling / acting career was short lived. HaShem had other plans for me. But suffice it to say, I know very well the other side of tznius. I knew that my hair, clothing, makeup garnered attention my way - the way of the goyim is .. "if you've got it...flaunt it!" So opposite to what a Jewish maidel and Jewish woman is.
When I married a decade ago, I donned a beautiful sheitel. I was happy at first wearing my sheitel - it was not a LONG sheitel mind you as it touched only my shoulders- but I noticed that I was getting looks from men other than my husband and this made me uncomfortable. I wanted to hide my beauty to the outside world and only be beautiful in the eyes of my husband. Time slipped by - I spoke to my husband a few times that I would like to wear a scarf instead of sheitel. He did not agree.... at first that is. More time slippes by..... my nonjewish sister, who had "yene machla" came to New York with her family. They came for the Shabbos night seuda. My other older sister, who also came on this trip made a comment, "I thought Jewish women cover their hair?"
"They do", I said, "and I am covering my hair with this wig." I lifted the wig to show her my hair underneath.
"But that doesn't make sense to cover your hair with another person's hair!," she snapped. "In fact, this wig is much prettier than your own straight hair!"
Oh well, I was stumped as to what to say to her and my husband wasn't home from shul to rescue me.
Time goes by, I'm getting older...... no children. I cry, I beg the Ribbono shel olam - "please give me a ben torah!
More time slips by - I'm seeing all these beautiful babies being strolled by their mommies in Boro Park. On my daily route to work, I would walk by a certain Photo shop with a 20x14 newborn picture in the window. Ribbono shel olam - have rachmanus on me! I would cry out softely, " I'll tell you what HaShem - I will take off my sheitel and wear a scarf to have a ben torah, HaShem PLEASE!"
Time keeps on slipping into the future (sigh)......
One Shabbos we had my good friend and her husband spend a Shabbos with us and after our husbands left for shul, I turned to her. "Quick, Chana - come see - I have a scarf I want to put it on my head" "What she exclaimed?!?! Does your husband agree?"
"Umm, he is not getting back to let me know - I asked him several times, so I have to push the issue."
SIDENOTE HERE before I continue - Shalom Bayis should never be jeopardized by one party or the other - one must have full agreement of your spouse on matters - I was gambling here by switching the covering of my hair to a scarf.
If by scarf you mean a "tichel" (where you completely cover your hair with the scarf), then simply tell your husband that you want to be more modest and you feel this is the way it has to be. Your husband has to agree, he cannot and should not control you, especially when it comes to modesty. If anything he should be more happy that you want to become more modest. It's not like he doesn't get to see your real hair anyway, so why should it matter to him! It makes it seem like he almost wants to show you off, which is inappropriate.
DeleteI'm a guy, so all I can say is, if my wife wanted to become more modest, i would NEVER tell her no. Frankly, I have no right to do so eitherway.
It's his job to keep shalom bayis if he doesn't agree. Your husband does not need to agree to you wearing a tichel. Simple as that.
Who knows, maybe you being more modest will give you the merit for the children you ask for.
If your husband complains, you tell him you are here to correct your soul, he can throw a hissy fit if he wants but it's time to grow up. You are here on earth for a limited time and he has no right to tell you that you are not allowed to do what you feel you need to do to become closer to Hashem. Especially when it is in accordance to what the Torah expects from you.
Great lecture! Did you know you have people visiting your website from Venezuela, South africa, honduras, panama, philippines, malaysia, malta, serbia!!! Who would have guessed :)
ReplyDeleteThe seven children were recorded singing a song two weeks ago. (You can hear it on Youtube.) What song was it? Shwecky's "Cry No More" about the terrible sufferings of the Jews ending with the coming of Mashiach. There are no coincidences!
ReplyDeleteWAKE UP, JEWS IN ISRAEL AND JEWS IN AMERICA!! THIS IS IT!! NO MORE TIME!!!!!!!
- a voice in the wilderness
An amazing lecture on a most difficult topic, certainly worth listening to many times. Clear, very honest, with no "punches pulled" as they say. It is packed with relevant material concerning the purpose of our soul here on earth. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteThe continuation of the Anonymous comment on modesty went awry. I'm pasting it below with a reminder to all that Anonymous comments need to have a name attached to them even a made up one. Thanks!
ReplyDeletePart 2 on modesty: But you know how it goes, ladies, right? You have a project that needs to get done by your wonderful husband but he shleps and shleps and you finally are at your wits end and begin the project so he can finish it, right! laughing here - this works for me, not too long ago I needed a new faucet so I took the tools and tried to fix it myself - I called my husband, "um, would you please stop by the hardware store and pick up a new faucet - I really thought I could fix it myself to save the few dollars of a plumber! -
Back to the story. Our husbands come home. My husband knocks on the door and rings out "Good Shabbos....Good Shabbos" and when he looks at me, his mouth opens wide. Being that that we have guests (good time to push the issue, ehh?) I pat my mouth a couple of times as to say "sha sha sha" and placed my hand on the muzzah with a sparkle in my eyes. That silenced my husband.
We discussed this matter again during this same Shabbos - I told him I had a chesbon with HaShem that I would wear a scarf so that I could merit having the zchus of a baby and a ben torah at that. I told him that he should be bentching me because I would not have the expense of maintaining my sheitel or buying a new one every so many years AND I also reminded him what my sister had commented about covering my hair with another person's hair AND I told him that I did not want other men looking at me. And ladies, I can tell you that men do look at women - as if you didn't know this already.
Please allow me to digress slightly, I see some of my Jewish sisters that attend simchas looking so glamorous - some with long sheitels - some with short. Some with form fitting long dresses or short dresses that show every curve of their body and long slender legs wearing heels so high that I must say gives me a chuckle because I have flashbacks of my modeling days wearing these very same heels on the runway and stumbling because of them. My neshama cries out for their neshama! - NOT to denigrate or to pass judgment - but only to say - please wakeup! This is not correct! I've been there - I've walked the way of the goyim garnering the attention of men. It is not emes! Would you seriously wear the same attire to great Moshiach!?!? I think not! Please, bevakasha, dress like this in your bedroom for your husband - but don't dress like this at simchas or on the street as it garners the attention of your Jewish sister's husbands! And this is exactly what is happening and you will be held accountable for this. You have lost your clarity of emes and are deceived (a person that is deceived DOES NOT KNOW that he is deceived because after all he is deceived until someone points it out to him - agreed?!?). I pray that my strong words sting just a bisel to make you step back and look through different lens - through the lens of someone who has walked the glamorous life of parties, mixed dancing, etc. I too was deceived. We are NOT permitted to dress like the goyim! We are to walk modestly before HaShem.
This was an Anonymous reply to the above...
Delete"Take it from a man, high heels are not tznius. Neither are tight fitting lycra shells."
on the contrary - this is NOT a made up story. ToTs
DeletePart 3 and final Back to my story again, after my talks with my husband he finally spoke to his rabbi on the issue. AND after he also heard with his very own ears what some concerned women were telling me, "why are you doing this? do you think you are on a higher midraga than us? - this is not good for you, stay in the middle road.....most gerim and bale' teshuvas climb too fast and they fall. We don't want this to happen to you."
DeleteFinally my husband agreed to let me cover with a scarf. This was such a difficult time as it almost broke our shalom bayis. Now that I got his blessing, albeit a forced one - I continued to cry out to HaShem. I turned 44, 45, 46, ....... still no baby boy. I know that in HaShem's timing everything is as should be so I continue to cry out.
Ladies, all I can say is to be a nudnik to HaShem. Until HaShem speaks to you to stop asking, be a nudnik. Boruch HaShem I am happy to tell you that HaShem did bless my husband and I with a beautiful, healthy son five years ago! 9 Who maketh the barren woman to dwell in her house as a joyful mother of children. My husband now bentches me for covering my head with a scarf - how could he not with such a gift?!
In closing, may HaShem grant you your heart desires and all our your requests and every plan of yours may He fulfill.
ToT
ToT -MAZALTOV! and may you continue to have a lot of nachat from your son. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I was not implying that your story was made up. I was talking about names. You can use a made up name - doesn't have to be your real one. :-)
ReplyDeletethanks Devash - for the past 10 years I have been a nudnik to HaShem to make aliyah. Still here in Boro Park though. Yes, we are getting lots of nachas from our son!
DeleteWhat a beautiful story. I have a story too, I'll try to be brief. I'm also a convert. I also pushed the lines with tznius -not realizing really what I was doing. Not knowing that Tznius is Hashems number one mitzvah for a Jewish woman, never knowing about kedusha -really what it means.
DeleteI always struggled with weight When I lost a lot and it went to my head, My clothes, became my favorite part of skinny life. I got a lot of attention from friends. Wore perfume and long earrings stopped wearing stocking -the yetzer was on my trail! When the taxi drivers started hitting on me it really startled me. Was I causing that to happen? I told my husband that a driver said I was beautiful- you can imagine his response!
Thanks to Hashem, He put a woman in my life who is now my best friend, who is very tzanuah and always searching for emes. She never talked to me about it. She just influenced me then I brought it up. She translated the autistic messages and the more I read the more convinced I was that I had to change.
So it was 3 Pesachs ago that I got rid of my clothes started to wear wide long skirts and button shirts -to the top -only scarves /snoods- black stockings.
I felt like a real daughter of The King. I felt so good, and so calm. That I was doing Ratzon Hashem. It was hard at first with the looks I got. Double takes, up and down stares! It was a big change and it was noticeable!
Now I'm so disgusted by the clothing I see in frum neighborhoods. Its really unbelievable what passes in a chareidi neighborhood in Israel, the husbands dress like their grandfathers and the wives dress the runway models. And then there is me, a few friends and slowly others dressing like our great grandmother's did and going to shiurim where we are getting chunky to continue. If every woman knew what they would gain from dressing according to halachah (at least), they would never look back.
-BE
Thank you for sharing your story BE. That's beautiful.
DeleteThat was suppose To read "chizuk" not " chunky " lol.
Delete-BE
The rabbi said in his next video that a second tragedy struck the same area.
ReplyDeleteJewish Man Shot & Killed in Brooklyn
A 30-year-old Jewish man, from Russian decent, identified as Natik Nisimov, was shot and killed Tuesday morning, March 24th in the Midwood section of Brooklyn, according to police sources.
Now there is a third!
Frum Man R”L Killed After Falling Off Ladder In Brooklyn
YIDDEN WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- a voice in the wilderness
Thanks for all this, Devash.
ReplyDeleteI also started off marriage wearing a sheitel. My husband is Sephardi, but had been immersed in Litvish environments. I later switched to non-sheitel hair-coverings against my husband's wishes. He went to speak with a Moroccan-born Ponevitch-educated rav who traumatized him with horror stories of frum men who came to him complaining that their sheitel-wearing wives were going out dancing at night clubs motzai Shabbos. (I'm not saying sheitel-wearing wives would do this; of course most wouldn't. It's just that you can find sheitels that look like real hair so no one knows and go out dressed like a chilonit without actually uncovering your hair, which is what these women were doing.) The rav finished by saying to my husband, "And you're complaining that your wife wants to be MORE tsnius?" He went on to say that a husband should always be grateful for whatever his wife wants to increase in the area of tsniut and not to interfere.
My husband was so traumatized at the thought of his wife going out dancing with other men that it was the end of the whole sheitel vs scarf issue forever.
And that's it.
I don't have any compelling miracle story that resulted (as far as I know....) like the wonderful stories written above. Covering my hair according to the more traditional Jewish way was just something I wanted to do.
Also, I noticed that in Israel, non-frum men and Arabs tend to hit on women more when they wear a sheitel. I believe they perceive a sheitel as saying that you are available for extra-marital garbage because otherwise, why would you try to look like you're NOT covering your hair?
Very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing that, Dassie.
DeleteHear my story online Devash https://archive.org/details/CoveringwithScarf
ReplyDelete