"What's In It For Me?"

11 Menachem Av 5779

We are possibly living in the most selfish generation of all time...

...and possibly the most unhappy and depressed generation of all time.  The latter is a consequence of the former.  

It's been said that an infant is the most selfish creature in the world.  He knows only his own needs and demands they be met immediately or everyone will suffer his cries until they are. What we have today is an entire society that has never grown up.  But, it's not all their own fault.  

Many, if not most, people today are unfulfilled in their relationships because either they have forgotten, or they never knew, how to be in one.  The common culture places a great emphasis on putting self first, but a self-centered person can never build a lasting, satisfying relationship. Ask most people how much each person should be willing to invest in a relationship and they will most likely say 50% - give and take - is fair and appropriate.  But, a real, mutually-satisfying, healthy relationship requires 100% to be given from each side. Today, the reality is that most people are willing to take as much as the other person will give but rarely willing to give anything of themselves in return. 

The Torah teaches us that God is the ultimate Giver and that our job is to emulate Him.  We are taught that Heaven decreed that a man must have a wife and children in order that he learn how to give of himself.  The ultimate form in giving is giving with no expectation of receiving.  

The Ten Commandments themselves are statements describing how to be in a right relationship with both God and man and establishing this mutually-satisfying relationship is the key to happiness and fulfillment in this life.

People today are frustrated and unhappy and depressed and jumping from one failed relationship to another because the common culture has told them that they can only attain a sense of fulfillment by demanding what is "owed" to them by their partners. They are told that they have the right, even the obligation, to demand that others give them what they feel they need out of the relationship.

This is just the opposite of the truth, and as too many have discovered, it is an endless struggle doomed to failure because the Creator simply did not make us this way. Human beings must learn again to focus on giving and not receiving.  As each gives, each receives in turn.

How much road rage could be avoided if each person were willing to give his right of way to the other person, deserving of it or not?  How much good will could be generated by giving a hello and a smile to a neighbor?  This is how friendships begin.

Giving applies to our relationship to our Creator as well.  Not that He has any need that we can meet, but our giving to Him meets a need within ourselves!  I've heard people many times talk about how much or how little they got out of a worship experience and describe what they hoped to gain or experience from a spiritual encounter.  Rarely do they find what they are looking for and that is because they have forgotten that worship is service of Hashem.  A servant exists to give.  It's not his place to take.

The next time you approach Hashem to pray, focus on what you want to give Him - praise, thanks, honor, glory.  I think you will be surprised how immediately you will find yourself experiencing the very feelings you crave to have fulfilled in the relationship.  Try the same thing with your family members and friends.  Focus more on what you'd like to give them, on how you can fulfill their need, and less on what you hope to gain, and you will discovery that here, too, in giving, you finally will receive what your soul has been longing for.

When the Beit HaMikdash stood, we would approach Hashem with korbanot - the firstfruits of our crops, the best of our herds - an offering of something we valued and had often put our own blood, sweat and tears into.  In this way, it truly was a sacrifice.

The world today has no trouble with the idea of sacrifice.  Many are more than willing to sacrifice others to fulfill their own needs, but the world was built for self-sacrifice, the willingness to forego our own needs in the interests of others.  That's the foundation that is lacking and why so many relationships, and consequently entire societies, are crumbling.  But, we can turn this around immediately by recognizing this truth and teaching it to our children so that the next generation knows.  This is how to build a better, happier person.  This is how to build a better, happier world.