"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself : "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A TICKET!"
HEBREW BUGS Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Cohen & Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"I wish I were half dead."
HOME SWEET HOMEA good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
GOT ANY CASH?
A Lebanese Arab emigrated to America sixty years ago and accumulated great wealth. Upon his death the rich man's will stipulated that his hundred million dollar bequest was to be divided equally among his three closest friends: a Catholic, A Protestant and a Jew. There was only one small provision: each of the heirs was required to deposit one hundred thousand dollars in the coffin before it was lowered into the ground. This act, according to the deceased's statement, was to prove their good faith while the will was in probate.
As the coffin was about to be closed for the last time, the Catholic quickly deposited his hundred thousand dollars into the casket. The Protestant followed suit and placed his hundred thousand dollars besides the Catholic's money. Then the Jew reached into the coffin, withdrew the two hundred thousand dollars in cash and replaced it with a check for three hundred thousand dollars.