Complaints, Complaints!

(Re-posting from 13 Sivan 5773)

Angel in Charge of Complaints (AICOC): "The Universal Complaint Department is now open, who will be first?"

Chairman of the 'Palestinian' delegation: "We, the 'Palestinian' people wish to lodge an official complaint against the Israelis. They have stolen our land!!"

AICOC: "Whom did you say you represent, sir?"

Chairman: "The 'Palestinian' people of the State of Palestine."

AICOC: "Sorry, I don't find you here. According to my records, there is no such people and no such 'state.' That being the case, you never had possession of the land in question; therefore, I am unable to register your complaint. Next!"

UN Representative accompanied by a delegation from the EU: "Yes, good morning. I'd like to file a formal complaint against the Israelis. They pay no heed to our demand to cease settlement expansion and refuse to return to the 1948 borders. They show no respect whatever for international law."

AICOC: "Sir, here we all answer to a Higher Law, which, I must tell you, may differ somewhat from your 'international' law. Let us have a look, shall we?"

(Opens a book. To self: "Hmmm, uh huh, yes.")

(Turning book so the UN Rep can see it.) "Right here," pointing.  "Bamidbar 33.53 - it says: 'You shall clear out the Land and settle in it, for I have given you the Land to occupy it.'"

"Now, as to borders...," flipping pages. "Yes, here it is - Breishit 15.18: 'To your seed I have given this land, from the river of Egypt until the great river, the Euphrates river.'"

"Whoa, looks like they're actually only occupying a very small portion of what is actually theirs. If you want my advice, boys, quit while you're ahead. Next!"

US Ambassador: "We don't like to complain. Maybe this is not the right department for our issues. Perhaps some type of arbitration is in order."

AICOC: "State your problem and then I'll know better how to assist you, sir."

US Ambassador: "Well, seeing as how our democratic form of government, free-capitalistic economy and pluralistic culture is the best in the world and the envy of all who behold us, we naturally want everyone to be just like us. In fact, we believe in it so much that we have gone completely around the world subverting existing regimes and offering bribes in the guise of 'aid' in order to bring the entire world in line with our 'values.' But, the Israelis are an intransigent bunch. Some are on our side, but many more are not - mainly the so-called 'religious' ones. Something has got to be done about them."

AICOC: "Alright, then. Here are your options. You can file this as a complaint of non-compliance with previous agreements, although that might be hard to establish considering the characters of those with whom you made previous agreements, Oslo, etc. It's not clear that they had any right to act on behalf of the nation in this regard, or you could apply for relief with the Department of Justice."

US Ambassador: "Thanks for your help. I'll take this back to my boss and see how he would like to proceed."

AICOC (chuckling to himself): "I already know how my Boss will want to proceed."

AICOC (peering over at a group heatedly arguing among themselves in the corner: "Will there be anyone else?"

A group of Israelis rush up, stumbling over each other, pushing and shoving and arguing over who has the right to speak for the rest. They are made up of prominent Members of Knesset, ambitious military and security officers and even a few 'rabbis.' By the sheer force of his amazing presence, Yair Lapid takes charge, saying, "Since I am the most intelligent, most knowledgeable, most experienced, most beautiful and most likely to become the next Prime Minister, I will speak for us all."

Lapid: "We most assuredly wish to make a complaint - against the Ultra-Orthodox, those Chareidim and anyone else who thinks and acts as they do. They don't pay taxes! They don't serve in the army! They won't listen to women singing and force them to sit at the back of the bus! They wear black!! We, the tax-paying, army-serving majority who enjoy the ladies and walk bare-headed and are hard-hearted when it comes to prying the yeshiva bochurim from the batei midrash - we demand satisfaction."

AICOC:  "What is it specifically, Mr. Lapid, that your group wants from this department?"

Lapid:  "I believe that I speak for the tax-paying, army-serving, etc. etc. majority when I say that we won't carry the burden of those people any longer."

Lapid's group ( in unison, for once):  "That's right!  We want them off of our backs and out of our lives - FOR GOOD."

AICOC:  "I'm sure some accommodation can be arranged.  Please wait here while I consult my Superior."

(Agitated whispering all around the Israeli group until the AICOC returns.)

AICOC:  It seems that a prior complaint has already been filed by an aggrieved party against you and your cohorts, Mr. Lapid.

Lapid:  What!!??

AICOC:  "Yes, that's right.  The God-fearing Jews of Eretz Israel have already lodged a complaint, well, several actually...  Here.  Here it is right here...  numbers 1 through....  Oh my!  Let us just summarize it as an attempt to prevent the nation from fulfilling it's Divine destiny. 

Lapid:  "What does that even mean?"

AICOC:  "It means, Mr. Lapid, that when your group's complaints are weighed against the complaints of the God-fearing people of Israel, you come up a bit short, to say the least.  However... I believe we can find a solution which answers the needs of both populations."

Suddenly, the Angel in Charge and his Complaint Department disappear and Yair Lapid and the Israelis are looking around in shock, trying to identify their location.  Then someone squints into the distance.

"Is that a road sign over there?"

They all start running at the same time. Lapid was the first to get close enough to read the sign - Kampala 250 km.  The others caught up and one queried, "Where the heck is Kampala!?"

Lapid slapped his hands to his head and moaned, "UGANDA!!"